I Love 2 Men
After Shaun's death, I had the attention of those around me. I felt like I was in a glass house and everyone was watching around me to see what my next move would be. I began to pick up my life. I got back to work, and everyone cheered. I spent time with friends, went to church, and kept doing things that were normal, and people cheered. I started to date and everyone didn't cheer. Somehow, they felt this was wrong. I found resistance, disbelief, judgment and even hate. They thought it was disrespectful to date so soon. They said I must not have loved him enough if I was dating, They questioned my sanity, they questioned my loyalty, they questioned my love and commitment to him. They acted as if I was cheating on him, or that it was too soon. They said Mr. New was just a replacement or that he was a rebound. They were wrong.
Despite the judgments, I found a strength I didn't know I had. I decided that if I wanted to be happy, then it was up to me. I pressed on. I dared to be happy. I dared to find love after loss. I didn't shy away and I didn't hide the fact that I was dating. I wasn't ashamed of my choice. It is not cowardly to want to live a life with love. It is not wrong to want a partner to share you life with. I couldn't change the fact that my husband died. He was never coming back. I could however try to have a happy life. I decided to be brave.
I loved like no one was looking, I laughed like I had never had a loss and I lived like I deserved to be happy, because I did.
Yes, I deserve a happy life, and I knew it was up to me. I also knew something they did know. I knew me, and I knew my heart. I knew that because I had loved someone so much, that I had it in me to love someone new. I realized that love given away is multiplied, never divided. I knew that I could love and honor Shaun while still moving forward with a happy life. I had a hope for my future.
Not to long after I started dating, I found Mike. We have been together for 2 years. I love Mike. Mike is not a replacement for Shaun. Loving him does not mean I somehow forgot about, Shaun, or that I stopped loving him, or that I stopped grieving for him. I will grieve the loss of Shaun, for the rest of my life, but I can do I while loving Mike. Mike is who I need now. I even feel like he was guided into my life. I love Mike more and more, and that in no way takes away from what I had with Shaun. I still love Shaun. I love them both. I love them for completely different reasons, I cherish them both and I honor them both. LOVE is MULTIPLIED when given away. I am Shaun's Widow, and Mikes soon to be Wife. I did not ask for this life, but I will make the most out of it. There is life after loss, but more importantly, there can also be love.