MYTHS OF WIDOWHOOD
Widowhood. It’s a club we belong too, but never asked to join. The price we payed to get into it this club was higher than we expected, and we will never be the same. Our paths to widowhood are varied as we are. We may have fought of this club for a long time as our spouse battled an illness, or we may have been suddenly thrown into this club with an unexpected death. One thing I know for sure is that no one is never prepared for being a widow. There is no training that could possibly prepare us for this.
Hi my name is Lynda, and I joined the Widow’s Club suddenly at the age of 32. I was surprised to find myself a part of this club at such a young age. At first I thought I joined a club made up of old women, but I was wrong. Here are a few facts that surprised me. In the USA, nearly 75% of women will be widowed! The average age of widowhood is 55 years old. And ⅓ of those were widowed by the age of 45!
Even though so many women are widowed, there are many myths that are out there about us “widow's.” These myths make an already hard time for us even harder. So many want to offer advice, yet they seem to push on us their thoughts about widowhood. Some of these beliefs are nothing more than myths. I remember that in my first few months of complete devastation, I listened to advice people shared with me. It took coming out of “widows fog” to realize that they were false beliefs. I’d like to share a few widows myths I’ve either been told or I’ve heard.
Myth 1: When it comes to grieving, we all grieve the same & one size fits all
Reality: We are all so different. We have different personalities, situations, and we have different life experiences that causes each of us to grieve and adapt to loss differently. There are many different factors that come into play: our age, how long we were married, if we had a good/bad marriage, our financial and economic situations, if we have children/no children, how old are children are, our health, they types of careers we have, just to name a few. People, we are all different and so our grieving process is different. As a widow, all you can do is try to make the best decisions moving forward that you can that will help you find some type of happiness, based on your own unique circumstances.
Myth 2: You must know exactly how we feel
Reality: You may be trying to relate to what we are going through. I can understand that, just remember, that there is no way you know exactly how I feel. You may understand loss, and you may have been through similar things, but no one can truly know exactly how someone else is feeling. I know many widows who take extreme offense when other compare the loss of a parent, dog, sister, or friend, to that of losing a spouse. I have even had some compare their divorce (although devastation) to that of the death of a spouse. It’s just not the same.
Myth 3: I’m lucky because at least they died young
Reality: Can I give this one a WTF. Why would this even make sense. How is losing the one I love lucky. Enough said.
Myth 4: I’m Young, there is still time
Reality: I just had the a man ripped from my arms that I thought I’d be spending the rest of my life with, someone I thought I’d grow old with, and all the sudden you think it's OK to tell me that I have time. Time for what. Maybe I don’t even want to get married again. Really people. I’m sure they were well meaning but please don’t tell us this right after our spouse dies.
Myth 5: There is a magic time limit for grieving (and we’ve all been informed)
Reality: When I’m told I should be over it by now, or that I shouldn’t still be sad about the loss of my spouse I feel a number of things. I feel like there is something wrong with how I’m grieving, like I’m not widowing right or something. I feel inadequate or different or wrong. We are already so self aware of what we can’t do all of the sudden and now you have to go and point out I can’t even be sad the right way, that somehow if I was widowing differently that I would somehow be a better widow. Really, like I want to be a widow in the first place, but now that I am, I realize I'm with a group of warriors. As I am working through the grieving process, I realized that there are things I had to learn to adjust to my new reality. This process is not time based. It is not written down in some manual, and there is no class I can take. I learn by trial and error. It’s a process that changes over time, as my needs have changed over time. I learn more as I work through new stages of grief and widowhood.
Myth 6: If I start a new relationship or if I get remarried too soon after my spouse dies, that somehow it means I must not have loved my spouse enough or I have somehow forgotten them or I’m just lonely.
Reality: Each of us has our own timelines on when we are ready to move forward and date (we may be wrong but that's our mistake to make), and there may be some of us that don’t ever want to move forward. I realize that most would do things differently than I did, and you know what that's OK. I did what I knew was right for me, and that’s not for you to judge. I can honor & treasure my past, love my late husband and grieve for him while also loving someone new. Being with someone new doesn't take away from anything I had in my past.
Myth 7: You will “move on” or “get over it. ”
Reality: Widowhood is not some type of sickness, it’s not a disease, nor is it a mental illness. I’m not going to wake up one day and be magically cured. Widowhood is just a fact of life, and there is no recovering. I can learn to live with it, I can adapt to the changes I’ve had, I can learn to cope from it and I can survive it. I will never “get over it.” One does not simply get over a loss like this. I have learned to live with my new reality, the one that was given to me. I have learned to cope with lost as I keep on living. Yes over time my grief has been come less frequent, my anger less, my laughter has returned, my sadness has lessened over time, and I’ve even learned to be grateful for the life I have. I can tell you this for certain, this loss is something I’ll never get over.
Myth 8: The second year is easier than the first
Reality: As the shock, widows fog and numbness fade, everything seems to become clearer. I realized that the life I once had is gone, and the life I had built for two, must now be lived by just me. The first year, while many are watching, there is a lot of support, and by the second year, many stop talking about it, they stop recognizing important days and they don’t remember they same as I do. The second year has actually been harder. I realize I have to face much of my future alone without my love. I realize I will have to rebuild my life without him.
Myth 9: With time, life returns to “normal”
Reality: At first I was supported by friends, family, and church members but they soon had to return to their lives, and I couldn't. The life I had was gone. There was no normal to return to. It could never be the same. This is true for other widows too. There is no “normal” for a Widow. Regardless of age or circumstance, widows all have one thing in common: they have lost more than a life partner – she has lost her way of life. Because of this, all we can do is try to rebuild, and move forward and and incorporate this loss into our lives. We shouldn’t burden ourselves with the expectation that we have to return to “Normal.” The normal we once knew is gone. This I know for sure, I’ll never stop grieving, and I’ll never forget, nor will things turn back to the normal that I once had.
Myth 10: All widows are old
Reality: Contrary to popular belief, in the United States the average age of a woman who loses her spouse is 55. One third of those women will lose their spouse before they are 45, leaving many women to raise their children alone.
Myth 11: There is a step by step logical process to grieving, I mean someone must have written a book about this right?
Reality: Widowhood can best be described as a roller coaster of emotions with many ups and a lot of downs during the healing process. There are many days when I really felt like I had this whole “being a widow” down. I was a widow warrior. There are times when I feel like I’m making progress, but it doesn’t take much to throw me right back down into the rawness of grief. When an unexpected setback happens, I am hard on myself. It can show up as anger, feeling very overwhelmed, crying, sadness or depression. Things that cause these setbacks can be an anniversary, a birthday, hearing a special song on the radio, angelversary, or running into an old friend. The healing process is not some straight step by step process. It is different for each one of us, and we have to work through it in our own time and our own way. Don’t expect there to be some step by step process for healing.
Hi my name is Lynda, and I joined the Widow’s Club suddenly at the age of 32. I was surprised to find myself a part of this club at such a young age. At first I thought I joined a club made up of old women, but I was wrong. Here are a few facts that surprised me. In the USA, nearly 75% of women will be widowed! The average age of widowhood is 55 years old. And ⅓ of those were widowed by the age of 45!
Even though so many women are widowed, there are many myths that are out there about us “widow's.” These myths make an already hard time for us even harder. So many want to offer advice, yet they seem to push on us their thoughts about widowhood. Some of these beliefs are nothing more than myths. I remember that in my first few months of complete devastation, I listened to advice people shared with me. It took coming out of “widows fog” to realize that they were false beliefs. I’d like to share a few widows myths I’ve either been told or I’ve heard.
Myth 1: When it comes to grieving, we all grieve the same & one size fits all
Reality: We are all so different. We have different personalities, situations, and we have different life experiences that causes each of us to grieve and adapt to loss differently. There are many different factors that come into play: our age, how long we were married, if we had a good/bad marriage, our financial and economic situations, if we have children/no children, how old are children are, our health, they types of careers we have, just to name a few. People, we are all different and so our grieving process is different. As a widow, all you can do is try to make the best decisions moving forward that you can that will help you find some type of happiness, based on your own unique circumstances.
Myth 2: You must know exactly how we feel
Reality: You may be trying to relate to what we are going through. I can understand that, just remember, that there is no way you know exactly how I feel. You may understand loss, and you may have been through similar things, but no one can truly know exactly how someone else is feeling. I know many widows who take extreme offense when other compare the loss of a parent, dog, sister, or friend, to that of losing a spouse. I have even had some compare their divorce (although devastation) to that of the death of a spouse. It’s just not the same.
Myth 3: I’m lucky because at least they died young
Reality: Can I give this one a WTF. Why would this even make sense. How is losing the one I love lucky. Enough said.
Myth 4: I’m Young, there is still time
Reality: I just had the a man ripped from my arms that I thought I’d be spending the rest of my life with, someone I thought I’d grow old with, and all the sudden you think it's OK to tell me that I have time. Time for what. Maybe I don’t even want to get married again. Really people. I’m sure they were well meaning but please don’t tell us this right after our spouse dies.
Myth 5: There is a magic time limit for grieving (and we’ve all been informed)
Reality: When I’m told I should be over it by now, or that I shouldn’t still be sad about the loss of my spouse I feel a number of things. I feel like there is something wrong with how I’m grieving, like I’m not widowing right or something. I feel inadequate or different or wrong. We are already so self aware of what we can’t do all of the sudden and now you have to go and point out I can’t even be sad the right way, that somehow if I was widowing differently that I would somehow be a better widow. Really, like I want to be a widow in the first place, but now that I am, I realize I'm with a group of warriors. As I am working through the grieving process, I realized that there are things I had to learn to adjust to my new reality. This process is not time based. It is not written down in some manual, and there is no class I can take. I learn by trial and error. It’s a process that changes over time, as my needs have changed over time. I learn more as I work through new stages of grief and widowhood.
Myth 6: If I start a new relationship or if I get remarried too soon after my spouse dies, that somehow it means I must not have loved my spouse enough or I have somehow forgotten them or I’m just lonely.
Reality: Each of us has our own timelines on when we are ready to move forward and date (we may be wrong but that's our mistake to make), and there may be some of us that don’t ever want to move forward. I realize that most would do things differently than I did, and you know what that's OK. I did what I knew was right for me, and that’s not for you to judge. I can honor & treasure my past, love my late husband and grieve for him while also loving someone new. Being with someone new doesn't take away from anything I had in my past.
Myth 7: You will “move on” or “get over it. ”
Reality: Widowhood is not some type of sickness, it’s not a disease, nor is it a mental illness. I’m not going to wake up one day and be magically cured. Widowhood is just a fact of life, and there is no recovering. I can learn to live with it, I can adapt to the changes I’ve had, I can learn to cope from it and I can survive it. I will never “get over it.” One does not simply get over a loss like this. I have learned to live with my new reality, the one that was given to me. I have learned to cope with lost as I keep on living. Yes over time my grief has been come less frequent, my anger less, my laughter has returned, my sadness has lessened over time, and I’ve even learned to be grateful for the life I have. I can tell you this for certain, this loss is something I’ll never get over.
Myth 8: The second year is easier than the first
Reality: As the shock, widows fog and numbness fade, everything seems to become clearer. I realized that the life I once had is gone, and the life I had built for two, must now be lived by just me. The first year, while many are watching, there is a lot of support, and by the second year, many stop talking about it, they stop recognizing important days and they don’t remember they same as I do. The second year has actually been harder. I realize I have to face much of my future alone without my love. I realize I will have to rebuild my life without him.
Myth 9: With time, life returns to “normal”
Reality: At first I was supported by friends, family, and church members but they soon had to return to their lives, and I couldn't. The life I had was gone. There was no normal to return to. It could never be the same. This is true for other widows too. There is no “normal” for a Widow. Regardless of age or circumstance, widows all have one thing in common: they have lost more than a life partner – she has lost her way of life. Because of this, all we can do is try to rebuild, and move forward and and incorporate this loss into our lives. We shouldn’t burden ourselves with the expectation that we have to return to “Normal.” The normal we once knew is gone. This I know for sure, I’ll never stop grieving, and I’ll never forget, nor will things turn back to the normal that I once had.
Myth 10: All widows are old
Reality: Contrary to popular belief, in the United States the average age of a woman who loses her spouse is 55. One third of those women will lose their spouse before they are 45, leaving many women to raise their children alone.
Myth 11: There is a step by step logical process to grieving, I mean someone must have written a book about this right?
Reality: Widowhood can best be described as a roller coaster of emotions with many ups and a lot of downs during the healing process. There are many days when I really felt like I had this whole “being a widow” down. I was a widow warrior. There are times when I feel like I’m making progress, but it doesn’t take much to throw me right back down into the rawness of grief. When an unexpected setback happens, I am hard on myself. It can show up as anger, feeling very overwhelmed, crying, sadness or depression. Things that cause these setbacks can be an anniversary, a birthday, hearing a special song on the radio, angelversary, or running into an old friend. The healing process is not some straight step by step process. It is different for each one of us, and we have to work through it in our own time and our own way. Don’t expect there to be some step by step process for healing.
Myth 12 There is a right way and a wrong way to grieve
Reality: There is no guide. What is right for one widow, isn’t right for another. I often wonder if I am “Widowing” right? I even wonder if I should be doing something I’m not doing?” There has been a lot of self doubt. Just remember to do what is right for you. Don’t let others dictate how you think you should or shouldn’t be grieving.
Myth 13: Time heals all wounds
Reality: No amount of time will heal the loss of a spouse. The wound will close but a scar will be left in its place. All I can do is hope to adapt to my new life, and heal as best as I can.. I will still have moments of sadness, I will still miss him, I will still be overcome with feelings of loss at times, and tears will come and go. With time, I can somehow control these feelings and cope with my new life, but I am forced to change. I am forced to rebuild, and time can help with that but some wounds leave a mark that will always be there.
Myth 14: I shouldn’t talk about the death of my husband in front of my kid
Reality: When children lose a parent, they grieve and experience many of the same emotions as a grieving adult. The way they respond varies based on their ages, their stages of development, and their personalities. They want guidance about what these feelings mean and how to cope with them, yet may not know how to ask, or may not want to ask for help. Research has shown that there are several crucial factors in helping children cope with the death of a loved one, including the mother’s ability to be there for her children, to recognize that they are mourning, and to provide them with caring support as they deal with the emotions and changes facing them. This definitely includes talking about the loss and its impact on the family. Talking with your children about the death of your spouse is especially difficult when you are dealing with your own grief. However, it is during these difficult times that your love and support are especially important to your children. They learn to deal with their grief by watching how you cope. What’s more, helping others deal with their pain can sometimes provide us with a momentary distraction from our own hurts.
Myth 15: Strong widows don’t cry in front of others
Reality: Baloney! The grieving period is a very emotional time. Widows often feel sad, anxious, depressed, angry, guilty, lonely, and afraid–sometimes all at one time! Needless to say they are very vulnerable and feeling raw during these times. Widows do not need the added pressure of trying to hold in their emotions. If they need to cry, then they need to give themselves permission to cry, even in front of others. Hopefully, the people around them will understand. And if not, it‘s not the widow’s problem—it’s the problem of those who are uncomfortable.
Myth 16: Don’t talk about your husband --it only makes things harder
Reality: The decision of whether or not to talk about her husband is up to the widow. For some widows, talking about their spouses is part of their healing process. It is an important way to hold onto a lot of good memories during a time of great sadness and loss. Widows sometimes feel they are making other people uncomfortable, or that others do not want to hear these stories. If talking about your spouse is important to you, “just do it”. There are also some widows who prefer not to talk about their husbands. Widows need to educate about what is right or wrong for them.
Myth 17: Your married friends will abandon you
Reality: While it's true, some friendships may end, especially those with couples it's not true. We are told by others that friends won't want to be around us because they s will no longer be comfortable around us. The truth is that if you lose friends, or move on from friends in this process it will be because of personalities and actions. The friendship doesn’t die just because your spouse died. Trust that real friends will be there for you, and friends who weren't as close, may become closer.
Myth 18: Widows are needy.
Reality: Wrong. We aren't needy and do not want to hang on to friends or family for dear life. We just don’t want to be ignored or left out.
Myth 19: Widows want to be left alone.
Reality: Sometimes yes and sometimes no. But it really helps to know we have a support system if and when we need it.
Myth 20: Widows need lots of advice.
Reality: Just because you lose your husband doesn't mean you no longer have brain function. Unsolicited advice is annoying and demeaning. Widows are not stupid. We make tough decisions on our own every day
Myth 21: Widows are looking for men so lock up your husbands.
Reality: Crazy talk. Need I say more?