I'm the first to admit that I'm not perfect, nor do I claim to be. What I will claim is that I'm a happy person. I try every day to live a happy life. It's not always easy to do but I'll keep trying. Some things are sad, and hard but I work through them. Happiness is worth the work. Some of life's beauty is in the mess and imperfection.
Unless you are really close to me, you don't know that I have a love of writing poetry. I have over 100 pieces that I have written since I was 14 or so. This is one special one I wrote for Shaun while we were together. <3 You
I live for me. Not for anyone else. If you want to know my story or why I do something ask. At the end of the day you may not understand or agree with my choices, but they are mine and I live for me. I get to live with my choices and I am at peace with them.
This has been a long time coming but I want everyone to know where I am with Shaun's Headstone. I've been working with Mark H. Bott company since April to create not just a headstone, but a memorial bench for Shaun. His plot overlooks the valley. It has such a beautiful view, and when I visit, I want a place I can just come sit and remember. I thought a bench would be most fitting. I have a plot next to his so this bench will be over both of our plots. Today I received the final artist renderings for the bench, and I wanted to share. The bench will be set in concrete and have a zinc vase on either side. It measures 54x16x4 out of beautiful black granite. The back I kept simple. It will have a picture of him and I from our wedding day and simply say, Shine on. I had them add that sun peeking up over the mountains. Originally I was told that this wouldn't be installed until the middle of August, but now I'm told that they won't have it in their shop until September 5th. This means it won't be placed until mid September. The wait is long but I want it to be beautiful and right. I think this is fitting for him. Once it is in place, I want to gather friends and family to come see it. More details to follow.
I showed up to this view on Memorial Day. At first I was very surprised. I didn't know if anyone was going to visit Shaun's grave but me. I should have known better. Afterwards I went to my parents house that was close by. I said "Mom, when I went to the cemetery Shaun's grave was already decorated." She said, "I know, we wanted to make sure that Shaun's grave looked like he was loved, because he was." Yes he was. I have the greatest family who has been there for me all year long, and my family loved Shaun so much too. He was loved and I celebrate his life all the time. I shouldn't have been so surprised because my family is amazing like that. I know that his brother came to. My sisters, aunts, and all parents made sure he was shown love, and remembered. We remember you dear Shaun. Oh how you are missed.
There are so many people who have been part of my journey through grief. Some silently watch, some pray, some say kind words when they see me, some are right there when I cry, some offer help when they can and some walked away. For those who have been a part of it, I want to thank you. Thank you for the kindness, thank you for the support, thank you for your prayers, thank you for meals, for words of encouragement, for making me laugh, for being patient when I cry, for supporting me, for silently cheering me on, and for loving me through it all. I would have been way worse off without all of your love and support. Thank you doesn't seem like enough, but know that I feel it in every part of my body. You are loved and you are appreciated. I've needed you, and relied on your all more than you will ever know. I'm grateful and blessed.
that I was Shaun's whole book, and he was only a chapter in my book, and that I should keep living and loving. I am working on doing that every day. I'm looking forward to creating the kind of sunshine in my life that he brought to this world.
Don't dim your light, because others can't handle your light. Buy them some sunglasses if they need. Continue bringing love and light into this world. Continue creating happiness, continue being you. You have a special light that no one else has, and the world needs you.
So grateful for motherhood.
PS. I love this bear so much. It says you are my sunshine around its belly. You can often find it laying on my bed next to me, or on the nightstand by my bed. I love it.
Even the tough days are worth it. I got to have Shaun for only a short while, but his impact will be felt the rest of my life. I am so blessed to have known him, love him and to have been loved by him.
A couple of songs that have inspired me, and lifted me. I love the way music can do that.
Josh Wilson - Pushing Back The Dark
Before the Morning, Josh Wilson
It is often in the darkest skies that we see the brightest stars. Richard Evans I have been pondering this quote for some time now. I talk about sunshine all the time. (Not obsessed, just looking for all that is light and bright.) I have been thinking it over and over I wanted to talk about it a bit. The brightest stars can only shine and be seen in the darkest skies. This is so true. The darker the sky, the brighter the stars. This has been true in my personal life as well. In my dark and sad moments, I have been gifted with the best of blessings. I'm not saying it's a blessing that Shaun passed away. I'm saying that as I've taken a step back, I can see how very blessed I am. There have been other dark moments in my life. Looking back, those have been the times where I have can now recognize all of the joy, and light and blessings in my life. It's more than just recognizing the good in my life, it's about realizing all that I'm being blessed with as well. I also chose to focus on that part of my life. It’s only in the trials and struggles that we can discover just how much we are blessed. You might be walking under dark skies right now, but take take a moment to look up and see the brightest of stars. Let them serve as a wonderful reminder that there’s always a light that’s shining.
I found this tonight when I needed it.
Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude. ~ Denis Waitley My happiness lies in my own hands, and not that of others. Others may bring us happiness or joy, but ultimately it us up to us to choose happiness. Thank You Rikki for sharing this.
There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go. I loved being silly together and laughing together. There was never a shortage of laughter. But mostly I just loved being loved by this man. Such an amazing spirit, and such an amazing best friend. You are missed, and I'm sorry we had to let you go.
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