With death being a part of everyone's life, I found it interesting how hard it was for people to know what to do or what to say to me this year after my husband passed away. More than knowing what to say, they didn't know how to help, when so many wanted to do so much. So many did help too. I sometimes didn't even know how to tell them to help. I know I felt that same way after my cousin died, and he left behind a sweet young wife. I found that some people slipped away from me, not knowing what to say, and some showed up in a big way and helped me so much. Out of this I've learned a few things I want to share. These are some ways to help a young widow, or someone who is grieving in general.
1. A heartfelt Apology, or Sincere Words- A few words about their loss is often a big comfort. Even a sincere comment of not knowing what to say is OK too. It's hard to know what to say when someone has an untimely death and has left this earth to soon. Just letting them know you care is enough. You can call, you can write a note, mail a letter, send a text, email, send a card, you can stop by for a visit, take them to lunch, heart-attack their door, or leave a Facebook message if you are far away. Something is better than nothing. Personally when people reached out to me, I knew I was loved and supported. You sometimes forget how many people love you and care about you until something like this happens. I was very humbled. It was amazing to see the out pour of love not only for my sweet husband but for me. I still have every letter and every card given to me during that time, and I treasure them. |
If you don't know what to say, it's OK. Saying something is most often better than saying nothing. I even loved hearing stories or fond memories about my husband. For those who need a little help, here is a short list of things that would work. But everyone is different, so do what feels right.
- "Honey, I love you so much."
- "How is physical therapy going? How is (insert an activity that you know I like or that we share)?"
- "I'm so sorry, this just doesn't make sense."
- "I have no idea how you are feeling. This is just stupid."
- "I heard/saw (insert activity I was involved in). I'm so glad you had a great time."
- "Hey, I would like to drop dinner off on Tuesday or Saturday? What works for you?"
- "The kids are doing so well. You are doing an awesome job."
- "I don't know how you do it."
- "I don't know what to say."
- "This sucks." (This one is OK because I appreciate honesty and transparency over anything else. I appreciate when someone is just real with me and tells it to me just as it is. It gives me the freedom to say what I really want to say which is "Yes, this sucks and I don't want to pretend that it doesn't".)
- Have you eaten? ....
- Lets go out to dinner tonight, or on a walk anywhere and we can talk about....
- Let me help you with ______(fill in the blank with a specific task)
2. Just Be There And Offer Specific and Practical Help- Show up, offer to help, sit with them and listen, hug them or shake their hand, put your hand on their shoulder, offer take their kids for a few hours, do the dishes, etc. Be there and do something. For me it was hard to know how to ask for help, or what to ask for help with. I didn't know what to tell them to do. Look for things undone and do them. Don't wait to be told. To those not knowing what to do, I say just do things. Mow that lawn, rake the leaves, shovel the driveway, do the dishes, make dinner, pick up the kids for school, help with homework or special projects, bring over dinner, go shopping with them, take the kids for the evening or take out the trash. Sometimes even the basic of tasks was overwhelming and it was a relief when someone stopped in to help me with them. Someone even brought me a basket full of sunshine, and it lifted me so much. Small acts of service and kindness are priceless to me. Ask if you can wash the dishes, rather than ask what they need help with. It's overwhelming to know all we need help with. They are more likely to let you help when you ask specific questions, like, "can I bring you a meal?"
One month after Shaun had died, there was the pinewood derby with the cub scouts. I had no way of helping him build a car. Shaun was going to help my son with his car over Christmas break, and then plans changed. I was secretly stressing. Little did I know I had an army waiting to help. Over a two week period, I had 8 different people offer to help him build his car. I can't tell you how much this helped me. I literally felt like my prayers were being answered. If you feel inspired to reach out and help, please do so, because even if they don't kneed help, the simple act of asking makes a difference too. I also love your hugs, so please don't be afraid to hug me. I need them.
I wish I remembered everyone I needed to thank. I hope they all know how much I need their support, their love, their friendship. Also don't just be there for the first few weeks, keep being there. After the initial shock, there is a calm for a bit, but grief has a way of sneaking back up on them, and they will need your help for the next several months.
3. Don't Treat Her Like A Leper- Do invite us her to anything. Don't assume she doesn't want to go, even if its a couples thing. She may decline but she will feel glad you asked. One of my biggest fears was that I would be left alone, and that no one would want to do anything with me. Don't let her sit alone in church. So hard sitting in a room full of people and no one will sit next to you. I get that some widows will want to be left alone at times, but keep asking. Some will need some support in order to want to get out, but get them out. Follow through if you tell them you'll get together for lunch or what ever it is. Ask them to come over, take them out for lunch, or tea or coffee, and invite them to do things. Don't assume that they are to busy or that they don't want to or that they need space. There is a whole in their universe and they need to still feel connected. Keep asking. Nothing is worse than losing someone and then feeling like you lost everyone around you because they didn't know what to say or how to treat you. Don't just leave it up to them to reach out. Take them out to do something fun.
There is a comfort that comes when you return to doing normal things. If you did things as couples, still have them over. I am not an island, and I don't want to feel even more alone than I already did after Shaun Died. I was grateful for friends to stepped in. I remember I went to lunch, and to concerts and hung out with friends and it was just what I needed to keep moving forward. It's easy to want to hide away and shut everyone out. I had to fight that urge. Luckily I had those who didn't treat me different, they just treated me like they did before. This helped me adjust to my new normal. I'm resilient, and strong, I don't need to be placed in bubble wrap.
4. Yes Please Bring Food- When someone dies, even the simplest of daily tasks can be overwhelming, what to eat and when to eat, and shopping. I had a couple of groups get together and arrange meals for me for nearly a month after Shaun died. A couple of times I even got two meals in a night, and I'd save them and freeze them. One friend even made several freezer meals that I could place in the oven when I needed them, and it was such a relief. Plus it was one of the easiest ways for me to let people help. They were literally feeding my soul, and helping to bring life into my body. I'm telling you I appreciated the food so much.
5. It's OK To Talk About Him- I have come across several people who seemed hesitant to talk about Shaun or who were unsure if they should talk about him because they didn't want to make me sad by talking about him. They were probably trying to avoid awkward or embarrassing conversations that would end in me crying. Both are far from the truth. Really I love talking about Shaun. I'd much rather cry for him than pretend like he never existed. I love remembering our life together. I also loved learning so much about him. With a short marriage, I was still learning about him and his history. I was able to hear things that I had never heard from people who were his friends and family, and I felt like I got to know him all over again. They told me stories about him, and fond memories, and It was something I'll treasure. Write them a letter or a note telling them of a positive memory you have of their spouse. I promise, it's priceless to them. I also got to remember good things that made me so happy. I wish that in this life he could have heard those same things from those around him who loved him. I want to remember funny things he said or did. I want to know he isn't forgotten. Keeping these memories alive is a source of comfort to me. I want to know people thought of him fondly, and I want to know how much he was loved, because he is.
6. Write down or Share stories- I remember feeling like I didn't get enough time to know everything about him. I felt like I would somehow forget things about him. I appreciated those who stepped up and shared stories, told of their love and affection for Shaun and for those who wrote them down for me.
7. Let Her Know Its OK To Cry- It's so hard to watch someone be so sad. Our hearts go out to those that mourn, but do we avoid spending time around them? It's not natural to want to be around someone who is crying, but someone needs to. The one thing I wish I had heard right at first is that it was OK to cry. I know that seems silly now, but with so many watchful eyes on me, I almost didn't want to cry. I know personally I beat myself up a lot this year over the amount of tears and how often tears were shed. Looking back, It's hard to know why I did this. There are clear health benefits to crying. Logically I know its OK to cry, but emotionally I didn't want to feel like 1.) A burden when I cried, 2.) I didn't want to feel so broken and 3.) I didn't want to feel like the sad friend/family member no one wanted to be around because I cried to much. I wanted to feel like I had to together. I often put on a brave face even when I felt like crying. I didn't give myself permission to cry. At times I have it together, but there are moments I certainly do not. The big thing is that I didn't want to feel broken or treated like I was broken, or somehow less whole because I am now a widow. Because of this, I tried not to cry.
One month after Shaun had died, there was the pinewood derby with the cub scouts. I had no way of helping him build a car. Shaun was going to help my son with his car over Christmas break, and then plans changed. I was secretly stressing. Little did I know I had an army waiting to help. Over a two week period, I had 8 different people offer to help him build his car. I can't tell you how much this helped me. I literally felt like my prayers were being answered. If you feel inspired to reach out and help, please do so, because even if they don't kneed help, the simple act of asking makes a difference too. I also love your hugs, so please don't be afraid to hug me. I need them.
I wish I remembered everyone I needed to thank. I hope they all know how much I need their support, their love, their friendship. Also don't just be there for the first few weeks, keep being there. After the initial shock, there is a calm for a bit, but grief has a way of sneaking back up on them, and they will need your help for the next several months.
3. Don't Treat Her Like A Leper- Do invite us her to anything. Don't assume she doesn't want to go, even if its a couples thing. She may decline but she will feel glad you asked. One of my biggest fears was that I would be left alone, and that no one would want to do anything with me. Don't let her sit alone in church. So hard sitting in a room full of people and no one will sit next to you. I get that some widows will want to be left alone at times, but keep asking. Some will need some support in order to want to get out, but get them out. Follow through if you tell them you'll get together for lunch or what ever it is. Ask them to come over, take them out for lunch, or tea or coffee, and invite them to do things. Don't assume that they are to busy or that they don't want to or that they need space. There is a whole in their universe and they need to still feel connected. Keep asking. Nothing is worse than losing someone and then feeling like you lost everyone around you because they didn't know what to say or how to treat you. Don't just leave it up to them to reach out. Take them out to do something fun.
There is a comfort that comes when you return to doing normal things. If you did things as couples, still have them over. I am not an island, and I don't want to feel even more alone than I already did after Shaun Died. I was grateful for friends to stepped in. I remember I went to lunch, and to concerts and hung out with friends and it was just what I needed to keep moving forward. It's easy to want to hide away and shut everyone out. I had to fight that urge. Luckily I had those who didn't treat me different, they just treated me like they did before. This helped me adjust to my new normal. I'm resilient, and strong, I don't need to be placed in bubble wrap.
4. Yes Please Bring Food- When someone dies, even the simplest of daily tasks can be overwhelming, what to eat and when to eat, and shopping. I had a couple of groups get together and arrange meals for me for nearly a month after Shaun died. A couple of times I even got two meals in a night, and I'd save them and freeze them. One friend even made several freezer meals that I could place in the oven when I needed them, and it was such a relief. Plus it was one of the easiest ways for me to let people help. They were literally feeding my soul, and helping to bring life into my body. I'm telling you I appreciated the food so much.
5. It's OK To Talk About Him- I have come across several people who seemed hesitant to talk about Shaun or who were unsure if they should talk about him because they didn't want to make me sad by talking about him. They were probably trying to avoid awkward or embarrassing conversations that would end in me crying. Both are far from the truth. Really I love talking about Shaun. I'd much rather cry for him than pretend like he never existed. I love remembering our life together. I also loved learning so much about him. With a short marriage, I was still learning about him and his history. I was able to hear things that I had never heard from people who were his friends and family, and I felt like I got to know him all over again. They told me stories about him, and fond memories, and It was something I'll treasure. Write them a letter or a note telling them of a positive memory you have of their spouse. I promise, it's priceless to them. I also got to remember good things that made me so happy. I wish that in this life he could have heard those same things from those around him who loved him. I want to remember funny things he said or did. I want to know he isn't forgotten. Keeping these memories alive is a source of comfort to me. I want to know people thought of him fondly, and I want to know how much he was loved, because he is.
6. Write down or Share stories- I remember feeling like I didn't get enough time to know everything about him. I felt like I would somehow forget things about him. I appreciated those who stepped up and shared stories, told of their love and affection for Shaun and for those who wrote them down for me.
7. Let Her Know Its OK To Cry- It's so hard to watch someone be so sad. Our hearts go out to those that mourn, but do we avoid spending time around them? It's not natural to want to be around someone who is crying, but someone needs to. The one thing I wish I had heard right at first is that it was OK to cry. I know that seems silly now, but with so many watchful eyes on me, I almost didn't want to cry. I know personally I beat myself up a lot this year over the amount of tears and how often tears were shed. Looking back, It's hard to know why I did this. There are clear health benefits to crying. Logically I know its OK to cry, but emotionally I didn't want to feel like 1.) A burden when I cried, 2.) I didn't want to feel so broken and 3.) I didn't want to feel like the sad friend/family member no one wanted to be around because I cried to much. I wanted to feel like I had to together. I often put on a brave face even when I felt like crying. I didn't give myself permission to cry. At times I have it together, but there are moments I certainly do not. The big thing is that I didn't want to feel broken or treated like I was broken, or somehow less whole because I am now a widow. Because of this, I tried not to cry.
Now I have learned to reach out to a couple of people who help me work through those moments of deep grief when I am having a meltdown. This has helped some. These two earth angels let me know it's OK to cry. Not just OK to cry but that it is OK to cry with them. I needed to hear that. Get comfortable with my crying. My sadness comes in waves, and I never know when I need to cry. Most of the time I still cry alone or in silence, but I know I have someone to reach out to when I need it. They don't give me answers, they either listen or they hold me. Witch ever I need and say it's OK. |
8. Don't Tell Her How To Grieve- Because death is a part of everyone's life, there is always an opinion on what to do, how to help or what will make her feel better. Even though we all have grief at times, no two peoples path are the same. I imagine that the pain from grief is the same but how we grieve is so different for everyone. Give her the space to grieve how she needs to. Let her grieve how she wishes. This may mean talking about the grieve a lot at times or talking about him and it may even mean giving her space. There is no magic formula or timeline that will work for everyone. Let her grieve how she needs, for as long as she needs to, and where ever she needs to.
I'm very private in my personal life so its been challenging to be under the microscope. So many people waiting and watching you to see what you will do next. Watching to see if you are OK, or if you are a mess. So much pressure to do what everyone expects of you. Please don't judge, just stand by especially when it comes to matters of the heart. They will start to date, and when they do, it doesn't mean they didn't love their spouse, they are just making a choice to move forward. |
There is no amount of isolation and no amount of time after their spouse has died that will prove that they loved them or that they hurt when they lost them. They are trying to heal and make a new life for themselves. Not because they wanted it, but because they have to. Don't try to tell them what to do or whats good for them. They may make mistakes, and they may rush, but its their life to live, and who knows, maybe they are making the right choice for them.
When I'm told what to feel or how to feel, I felt more alone. I feel bad enough he died, and it made me feel worse when people tried telling me I wasn't doing it right or grieving right. I loved my husband so much, and we had an amazing life together. Because of this I have a willingness to love again. I know what kind of joy that can bring, and I know I can have that again. It doesn't mean I didn't love Shaun. I know he would want this for me, because we talked about it when he was alive. When I start seeking out this kind of love will be up to me. It will be at a time that feels right to me. I know there will be those that won't agree, but I will do whats right for me. You don't know the battles that are being fought on the inside, you don't know how I am feeling. I'm experiencing a pain like I've never felt before. I'm doing this all for the first time. So if I'm not as graceful about it as you think I should be or if I don't say what you think I should or do what you think I should...be patient and love me. I'm working on it, I'm doing the best I can and I'm grieving the best way I know how.
When I'm told what to feel or how to feel, I felt more alone. I feel bad enough he died, and it made me feel worse when people tried telling me I wasn't doing it right or grieving right. I loved my husband so much, and we had an amazing life together. Because of this I have a willingness to love again. I know what kind of joy that can bring, and I know I can have that again. It doesn't mean I didn't love Shaun. I know he would want this for me, because we talked about it when he was alive. When I start seeking out this kind of love will be up to me. It will be at a time that feels right to me. I know there will be those that won't agree, but I will do whats right for me. You don't know the battles that are being fought on the inside, you don't know how I am feeling. I'm experiencing a pain like I've never felt before. I'm doing this all for the first time. So if I'm not as graceful about it as you think I should be or if I don't say what you think I should or do what you think I should...be patient and love me. I'm working on it, I'm doing the best I can and I'm grieving the best way I know how.
9. Still Support Her- Often after a couple of months, the support to widows drops off. The initial need is gone but support is still needed. This loss will take weeks or even months to adjust to. You never get over it and you never move on. You just move forward, at least I try to. Keep calling, and keep showing up long after the funeral and family has gone home. Keep believing in her until she can believe in her.
Its been nearly 8 months since my sweet husband Shaun passed away, and I still need support. I need people to check in on me. I need to know people are still looking out for me. I need to still be asked out to do things. I still need to know I'm loved and supported. My sweet neighbor watches my son for me often, and expects nothing in return. She calls it good Karma. Friends still make sure I'm getting out, and my earth angels still support me when I have a tough time. I know I can't do it alone, and luckily I don't have to. Also Please Pray for me. I need it. When I was sitting In the hospital, I could feel the out pour of prayers being said on my behalf, as I was praying for a Christmas miracle.
Its been nearly 8 months since my sweet husband Shaun passed away, and I still need support. I need people to check in on me. I need to know people are still looking out for me. I need to still be asked out to do things. I still need to know I'm loved and supported. My sweet neighbor watches my son for me often, and expects nothing in return. She calls it good Karma. Friends still make sure I'm getting out, and my earth angels still support me when I have a tough time. I know I can't do it alone, and luckily I don't have to. Also Please Pray for me. I need it. When I was sitting In the hospital, I could feel the out pour of prayers being said on my behalf, as I was praying for a Christmas miracle.
10. Please Be Forgiving & Patient - Her whole world has changed, and has shifted from underneath her. If she forgets a birthday or special occasion, if she doesn't send out a thank you card, doesn't show up to a party or doesn't remember something, please forgive her. It's not on purpose. Keep being kind and patient.
11. Compliment Her- Let Her Know What She Is Doing Right. Let her know you are proud of her, that you admire her strength, that you are inspired by her. Tell Her!! You can't imagine what its like to wonder if you are doing it right. It's easy to feel like you are screwing it all up. I remember being so hard on my self for every choice I was making, and when people would offer a sincere compliment, I felt less like a screw up, and more like I can handle it.
*This life has its challenges. Just remember I will make it through especially with love and help from others. There is no moving on. There is only moving forward with a new normal. Your love and support will help in this process. Thank you for helping with my mess, thank you for your friendship, your help, your support financially, physically and emotionally, thank you for being there, for your cards, your letters, your gifts, thank you for the meals, for helping me out with my son, thank you for your patience and most of all thank you for being there for me and for loving me. I hope one day I can repay all the love and kindness I've been shown. Through this mess, I have been blessed.